I'm not her
by Kur-Kag88
Summary: Kagome can tell that Sesshomaru is stuck in the past, even thou she loves this man she must move forward. But what is in store for her when she goes forward herself. Will Sesshomaru learn to live again?
1. Chapter 1

Another story to start! I know I should be updating the others but this one was already done! This well be a Sesshomaru/Kagome pairing! I hope you enjoy. Disclaimer: I Don't own anything.

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><p>The sun began to fade into the horizon, over the crystal blue sea, as the clouds crumbled together in purple and pink, as the peak of the rays of sun fell.<p>

A young woman sat on the wooden bench, staring onwards. Many thoughts running threw her head, her body shivered from the slight cold breeze as the sun began to set. Her small figure sat straight, as her gloved hands were folded in her lap.

She knew where this was leading, but for some reason she didn't want it to end. Closing her eyes, silencing her mind for a few seconds, she then turned to stare at the man that sat next to her.

As handsome as any man can be, he stood tall even while in a seated position. His structured face, amber eyes, and moonlight hair, gazing towards the beautiful scenery. Even thou she was not able to see his eyes, she could tell from his tense body, that he was debating himself.

Getting up from her position, she glanced back at the handsome man. "There really isn't anything else to speak of is there." The silence was her only answer, turning away from him, taking the first step, she felt someone grab her hand.

"It was the past," his hand began to tremble, as he spoke.

"Then why not speak of it." She asked as she tried to pray her hand away from him.

But his grip tightened, and his eyes harden. "There was nothing to speak about."

Kagome stood still, studying his face, "What about her?" She asked again, this time in a more forward tone. She felt him loosening his hold on her, as she backed away, she found him staring at the ground.

"What is there to say about her," he said quietly, "She is the past, a distant memory, which I don't really remember."

She knew he was lying, she was able to tell by the tremble of his shoulders, and the grip of his free hand, as he clinched it in a tight grip. She didn't know what she was able to do, how to react to this. He was in pain even from the past, and she understood, she knew how it was to feel useless. But she wanted him to lean on her, to let her help him in any form possible, even if it was just a little. She wanted a future with this beautiful man.

"Why continue to lie to yourself, when your body seems to be responding for you." She asked him, as he continued to stare at the ground. He then stood tall, and began to walk away from her.

"Tell me" she said while following the handsome man, "Tell me about her."

He stopped in his tracks, as he spun around.

"What is there to tell, she came into my life, we got married, she died, end of story." His voice was laces with such coldness, and emotion. He said with rage, as he glared at the petite woman in front of him.

Kagome grabbed the edge of his jacket, while moving towards him. "That obviously isn't the story," softly she took the over grown man into her short arms, and held him. "Tell me," she asked again.

Memories that he long buried within his mind began to surface.

The brown eyed beautiful woman as she pounced around him, while running threw the open grass bare footed. The way she swayed while dancing, and her rich laughter that was music to his ears. The way she would lay her head on his bare chest to heart his fainting heart, which always put her to sleep. The feel of her skin, her scent of lavender, after she took a shower. Images of their first encounter, their first kiss, then their wedding.

Then the memory of their last night together.

Her long dark brown hair fell over her front, as her back was pressed against the front passenger seat. He stared at her from the corner of his eyes, she was glaring at the road as he continued to drive. As he heard the voice continuing to talk from the mobile, he stared straight ahead, making sounds of yes or no to the person.

Then all of a sudden the piece of cell was token from his ear and tossed out the window by his beautiful wife.

Shock written all over his face, he yelled. "Woman what is your problem."

"You are Sesshomaru," she choked out as her chocolate eyes began to water, "One fricking night I ask for just the two of us to spend time and all you do is talk on the phone about business." She screamed at him. "I hardly complain, and you yourself know that." She had a point, he told himself, she rarely ever complained about anything which is one thing he loved about her. "But tonight did it," as she rolled the window of the car up so that she was able to talk better with out the sound of the wind passing by.

"Today I was going to tell you something," he waited for her to continue. It seemed as if she was taking her time to speak. "I'm pregnant." she said while looking away from him.

His mind became blank, he didn't know what to think, say or do. Here he was in a car with his wife, and she just told him some big news. Something that was joyous. His eyes began to soften and he stared at her with emotions.

She stared into his eyes, and found herself smiling, seeing the expression he gave her. The love that she felt for her husband reflected in her gaze. She took his hand into hers, and she felt the warmth that he held.

As they both returned their eyes towards the road, he heard her loud scream, and then everything went by in flash.

Sesshomaru pulled Kagome into his arms, tighter then ever before. He trembled, as he let the drops of water fall from his closed eyes.

She felt the cold liquid fall on her bare shoulder, as he buried his face into her hair. She felt the grief he held for so long, as the once great man he was, now finally letting the past catch up to him, in a way that seemed to be unbearable.

She felt him lean towards her form some more, as if putting more of his weight on her. His warm body began to tremble a bit, and she wondered what he was thinking.

" I didn't tell her," he said softly, as he wrapped his arms around her.

" There was so much to tell her, so much to say." Kagome held him.

"How I miss the smell of her cooking in the morning. Or the way she would kiss me goodbye before I headed out towards work. The way she would whisper my name in her sleep. Or the way she expressed her love for me."

This strong man was now whimpering, trembling, and sobbing.

"How I wish I could take that day back, and tell her how much I love her." He then said something that broke her heart. "How I wish She was you. To live, to be here with me, I'm nothing with out her."

Kagome's heart did not know what to make of what Sesshomaru just said. He held onto her tighter, trying to mend her into himself.

"Gomen" was all he could say, as he felt the woman still in his arms.

Kagomes mind did not know how to register what he just said. So much emotions began to make its toll on her, as the rim of her eyes began to water, and she knew, she knew that it was time. Time to give up the one man she had ever loved in her whole life.

With so much resistance, she pulled from his embrace, as she felt the warmth of the man she loved leave from her touch. There was only one thing to do, and that was to move forward. Obvious this man was an always will be stuck in his past. Locked in his heart, where not even she would be able to reach. Until the day he himself came to a realization. That he was not alone.

"Don't apologize," she said, pleadingly. She stared forward, never starring back, crystal water still falling from her eyes as her precious heart broke. Looking now into the mid night sky.

Glinting in the moonlight night, he found her radiant, and beautiful.

She began to walk away, "You have no reason to apologize when all you spoke of was the truth." Stopping a short distant from him, she turned around and gave him a smile. "I'm just glad to have had you even if it was a short time." She turned back the other direction, away from him, and walked with her head held high, and did not hesitate as she left him.

She knew he would not follow, why would he when the one he wanted was beyond his reach.


	2. Chapter 2

Its been a while, had to add a chapter since this has been in it for a while.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A nice cool day, as the sun shone over the field. A light breeze blew gently, as the flowers in the meadow swayed in a dance with a small child, with bluish ebony hair. Her laughter sang with joy as she plucked a variety of flowers from their bedding, and her amber eyes twinkled with beauty at the colors she held within her small hands.

Kagome smiled as she watched the toddler, amazed at how much children found the beauty in the littlest things. But then again children were a beauty of their own.

Glancing at the positioning of the setting of the sun, as it hovered above the clear blue sky, she knew it was time to leave the flower paradise. "Rin-chan," she said softly to the toddler, who stopped to turn to her. "Its time to go honey," she got a nod from the young child. Rin ran towards Kagome and gently accepted the hand that was offered to her, and smiled. Together they left the beautiful valley of flowers.

Sesshomaru pinched the bridge of his nose, a sign that a headache was soon to come. He closed his eyes, as he imagined himself strangling the idiotic employees that currently worked for him. Gently pushing himself up from his desk, he walked towards the bay window that towered most of Tokyo.

He could see the setting of the sun, showered the sky of clouds with dark colors of orange, pink, and purple. The lights of the busy city began to turn on one by one. The night of Tokyo was wide awake, but he was already to return home, and drink the brandy that laid on his kitchen counter.

Glad that he would be leaving for a few days to visit is annoying half brother, who lived on the outside skirts of Tokyo, he was a bit happy for a new scenery. Turning, he made his way towards his desk, and began to gather his things. Ready to return home, and gather the sleep his body so desperately needed.

As Sesshomaru gladly watched the sun set from above the ocean, he seen nothing but open space, green grass, and trees. No towering buildings, millions of people, or the blinding night lights. It was clear as nature would allow it.

The drive out side of the city was pleasant and welcoming. Finally pulling up to the large house that his younger brother owned, he gave a slight small smile that no one would notice.

The house was beautiful, his brother did a magnificent job in constructing the house, and making it so lively. A rare view with a two story house just above a cliff that laid by the ocean. A rare sight, but also a privately owned part of the land that was handed down from their father as a wedding present.

He began to walk the path to the house, as he was close to the door, it swung open by a beautiful woman with jet black hair.

"Sesshomaru," greeted the brown eyed woman, as she enveloped him into a familiar hug. She pulled back and let him passed. " I am pleased to see you," she stated as she smiled and let the late male pass. Walking into the warm welcoming home made his heart clench a bit. " Inuyasha is in his study at the moment." She said as she took his jacket and lead him into the living room.

Just then he heard the door slam from down the hall, as someone seemingly familiar to his profile, anger radiating from his body. The long silver hair flew loosely, amber eyes stared him down. "About damn time you got here asshole," said the blundering younger brother. As he approached his brother his eyes softened, as he held his handout, and caught the other hand of his brothers in his as they both shook in greeting.

Just then the front door burst open as someone came running in full force. Her giggling was heard through out the house. She came to a full stop in front of the brothers as she stared at them in awe. She then ran to the shorter brother and jumped into his open arms as he swirled her around. "Daddy," she shouted with glee as he gently settled her down on the floor.

Just then another figure walked through the entrance as she called for the little girl. Her eyes shinning with happiness til she came to a halt. Her eyes widen in surprise as she stared at the older brother, as he stared back with the same expression.


	3. Chapter 3

**_I have fallen off the face of the earth and I do not know how to return. My world has been at a stand still with all three of my boys. My two year old and one year old do not know the word no! Anyways as busy as I am now I wanted to update this story because its been a long time and I felt inspired to write! Hope you enjoy... Thanks you for reading! _**

It was like time stood still as Seshomaru stared with indifference at the blue eyed beauty. He found her to be different from the woman he last seen almost five years ago. The night she departed, leaving him a broken man. He found her face to appear the same but a few blemishes and wrinkles spoke of age, her eyes seemed to hold warmth, understanding. Her body was more portioned, her hips a bit more wider, but he knew the reason for that. Her hair was lose and wild, untamed, it was longer then before from what he remembered.

He could see that she was surprised to see him there, her expression changed quickly. Her face softened a bit as she gave him a gentle smile. "Hello Sesshomaru," she said with a serene voice. She walked towards him, gently wrapped her arms around him, and gave him a short, light hug, as a friendly greeting, then pulled away. With a smile on her face she turned around and made her way towards the kitchen.

He stood frozen in his spot as to what just happened. He could not understand what just transpired and how fast it happened. She had surprised him with her embrace and yet there was an ache in his chest he could not describe.

"Ne, Sesshomaru are you alright man." His brother asked him with concern in his voice.

Sesshomaru turned to see his brother holding onto the little girl, as she shyly blinked at him with curious amber eyes. Her bluish hair pulled into pigtails, she held a few flowers in her hand. "I am fine Inuyasha, how about we continue this in your study." Inuyasha nodded as he settled the little girl down, she ran towards the direction Kagome went, and he followed his brother.

As Kagome entered the kitchen, she fell against the counter. Trying to control her breathing, her body was still burning from his touch. She cursed herself for hugging him, knowing full well that was probably one of the dumbest things she has done so far. Her body began to shake, she knew she was going to faint if she didn't get her breathing under control.

"Kagome," she heard from her sister.

She knew from the racing heart, to the quivering of her hands and legs. She was going into a panic attack. Rushing to the facet and splashing cold water onto her face, her heart subsided and returned to normal. Hanging over the sink, she heard her sister speaking to Rin.

Kagome was finally able to gather her bearings, she turned to Kikyo and gave her a small hug. Her trembling subsided, but her heart ached. She thought she learnt her lesson, she though she was able to forget the handsome man she once loved. But that was not the case, it seemed she still loved him.

The next day was beautiful, sun high in the sky, clouds round and fluffy, but not so much that it would cover the sun, making it partly cloudy.

Many people gathered to celebrate Rin's fourth birthday.

Kagome happily chatted with her mother and her sister's mother in law, Izayoi. They were discussing over Kagome's recent transfer back to the city. Even thou she was to resided in Kyoto. She would soon be returning to Tokyo, to be closer to her family, and friends.

She could feel the eyes roaming her back, as they continued to gaze at her. She paid no attention as she continued to mingle with the crowd. Easing the tension that radiated in her body, and the tightening in her chest.

He observed her, counted how many eyes roamed her body, the friendly gesture of embraces, and the smiles that were predotar like .

He observes her as she continues on with the children. He finds her different then before, her once innocent eyes now filled with intelligence, her composure straight and strong. She seemed carefree, confidence spoke with the way she held herself in front of people. She appeared to be happy, as if their once past hasn't affected her in anyway.

He scoffed at himself, as he guzzled his drink and went to look for a place to hide from the annoying crowd. Entering into the house he went into his brothers study knowing no one would enter. Sitting on the chair he closed his eyes and pinched his nose. Relaxing after a few minutes he heard giggling.

Opening his eyes he found the smiling face of his niece. She giggled some more holding her hands over her mouth to cover her laugh. He smiled as he opened his arms and she came running and wrapped her small arms around his neck. He chuckled as her hair tickled his nose. Setting her down on his lap he found her amber eyes glint with happiness and innocence.

"Rin why are you not with your friends." He asked the child gently and then found her frowning a bit. She lowered her head as she bit her lip and looked away. He gently nudged her waiting for her to answer.

"Rin sad." Was the only thing that left her mouth as she stared into the same eyes as her own. "Why Rin name Rin?" She asked him with such a soft tone that held confusion and uncertainty that no four year old should have.

Sesshomaru had a lump in his throat. These were questions she was suppose to ask her parents. How was he suppose to respond to this especially when she was asking something that he never wanted to be reminded of. But it was right there, her beautiful name. Passed down by her loving parents that loved Rim so much they wanted to honor her in some way.

The feeling in his stomach began to turn, his arm hair began to stand, the temperature in the room began to rise. His body became still, and his niece could do nothing but give him a look that begged for an explanation.

"You were named after a very well loved woman." Spoke a soft voice that traveled through out the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Just updating. If you are at all confused please feel free to ask. Hope you enjoy!

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><p>Both eyes followed the beautiful voice that lead to Kagome. She was leaning against the door frame, til she walked towards them with a smile on her face. Her eyes never leaving Rin's ember eyes that gleamed with curiosity. Kneeling to her level, she brushed her hair gently with a soft stroke.<p>

"Your name comes from a very special woman whom was loved very much." She said while smiling softly at the child.

"Tell Rin a story of aunty Rin?" Asked the child.

Both adults were still, not knowing what to say.

"She was beautiful princess with dark black hair and soft chocolate eyes." Kagome spoke with a trembling voice that was disguised with softness. "Her smiles could brighten anyone's day. Her voice was as gentle as a wind, but peaceful as a quiet night. She was cheerful, and always concerned for everyone." Kagome didn't know what else to say about a woman whom she didn't know and has only meet on a few occasions. "But she was lovely, and laughed with such carefree in the world. She always made others feel special and warm. She was such a wonderful person."

Rin continued to listen to Kagome as she spoke about the older women with such appraise.

Sesshomaru just continued to sit in his spot without correcting the things that Kagome was explaining. His wife had dark brown hair, her eyes were a light colored almond not chocolate. She laughed at anything that didn't make sense. She was always concerned for people, but she also had a lethal side that terrified him at times.

There were things that he forgot within the past ten years since his wife has passed. He toned himself out not realizing that Kagome was taking Rin by the hand and leading her back towards the party.

As they walked towards the door she turned her head to the side to get a view of his profile. His eyes were unfocused, his face was unclear. Rin pulled her hand getting her attention and they both went back to the party without the still man.

He couldn't handle the party no more, as he shuffled towards the front of the large house and gathering his shoes. He walked out the door and made his way down the road. Not knowing nor caring where he was going only wanting to get away from the place that brought up bad memories. He found himself along the open shore line.

Frustration began to surface, kicking the sand with a little force. He watched the sand falling into the open ocean hitting the small waves. Settling down on the sand he crossed his legs and stared into the crystal blue ocean, and stayed there til the sun was gone and the moon and stars fell into place.

This was where she found him. A beautiful night just like all those years ago.

"I figured I'd find you here." She said as she walked beside him. Wondering what he sought out in the dark ocean.

"Hm." Was the only response she receive.

"You seemed to have little to say after all these years." She said as she sat on the sand, her hands leaning behind her as she flopped her head back, and inhaled the smell of the ocean breeze as it gentle caress her face.

Time passed as the two spoke of nothing only enjoying the peace that fell between the two.

Then there was a quiet shuffle that seemed to get louder as it turned into laughter.

"You sure haven't changed at all." She said turning her bright eyes towards him and giving him a smile. The atmosphere around them was light and comforting.

He seemed to forget about how they meet. Thou he has seen her on frequent family occasions due to their family being blended. He has always found her laughter comforting and warm. Her presence was there when he lost his wife. She was someone who only gave them their condolence on that dreadful day but then after a few years he found her to be intriguing and different from his wife.

He didn't know how his brother and sister in law would take to their frequent meetings. The truth was he didn't even know how to feel about them both. They were friends that turned into something else one day and from there he just went with the flow. But then one day after they had their so called date. He went home after dropping her off and ran into an old dear friend of his late wife.

The man's face aged since the last time he seen him. His appearance was lacking and his eyes were distant. Thou they held in anger and disapprove of what he seen.

"_Has Rin meant nothing to you?" The brown haired man screamed at him. "How fast are you to forget her already and yet she loved you so much. She gave you everything she had and you dishonor her by replacing her with someone else." The brown eyed man turned from him and walked away, while shouting over his shoulder. "You were never meant for her and I pity the name she died with." _

After that encounter he began to regret what he felt for Kagome and thought more of his deceased wife. What would she say if she knew that he was beginning to find an interest in another woman? Who he might possible wish to start a future with. Would she be jealous, envious, and angry?

Then he thought about what he would of felt if he knew his wife was in the same positon. He would be outrage, and feel betrayed. He is possessive, selfish, intuitive, strong and self-reliant. He thought of no one that would be able to fit the needs that were required of Rin, or anyone able to be her significant other.

But then he remembered that he would not have wanted her to suffer from loneliness if he were in her position. He was confused and began to lose the battle between letting go of his past or thinking of a future.

"You've always been emotionally constipated huh?" Sesshomaru turned towards the woman who pulled him from his distressful thoughts. She made him forget who he was, and who he should be. She always had confidence in what she did and who she was.

Her smile faded, then frown lines began to form on her pretty face. "Sesshomaru are you alright?" She asked with such worry and familiar, as if she knew who he was. He shook his head getting his mind to focus more.

"If you ever need someone one to talk to please don't hesitate to contact me." She told him with confidence. "I wouldn't mind listening." She stood and began to walk away.

"You've always been the one to offer a shoulder or an ear but yet you have always been the one to talk nonstop." He told her while not turning around.

"Excuse me for wanting to start a conversation that always ended with a Hmm!" She said loudly. But then blushed when she found him starting at her with a raised eyebrow. She sighed as she resumed her spot on the sand.

"I am sorry for how I have acted the last few years." He knew what she spoke of. Those tense times they have meet that always resulted in one of them leaving the occasion early or not showing up.

He knew she didn't wish to see him. If for the anger that she held that night they separate or for the sympathy of a lost man who broke her heart. He didn't know but there has been times where he will admit he has missed her presence often. Where they would speak as friends and laugh about their sibling's unique relationship.

Then there were times where just missed her presence as a female companion. One in which he hasn't had since the day they have separated. His emotions about that are still weighing with confusion and displeasure.


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